Inheritance

by Miss Nomi

Few things challenge the core of your being than to venture into the world of entrepreneurship. For over 20 years the seeds needed to start my own venture have been stored away in the dark cellar of my cobweb filled brain. Only now am I taking the leap of faith in myself, and this fact is causing a cascade of introspection.

As my sweet little one grows into young adulthood, I consider the examples of others, my parents, my friends and what example I am setting for my child. The premise of Robert Kiyosaki’s book Rich Dad Poor Dad is a foundational platform which I base many of my thoughts and decisions when it comes to guiding my kiddo and challenging myself. Dave Ramsey’s idea of legacy and stewardship with finances lives in that space as well. My dad, not a religious man, had mentioned a portion of scripture during one of our weekend morning talks long ago. It took me by surprise because he rarely talked of the Bible and what he said has stayed with me for decades. Proverbs 13:22 is the scripture my dad loosely quoted. A Good man leaves an inheritance to his children’s children.

By the time my father had departed this earth, he had no reason to believe there would be any grandchildren for him to leave anything to. Daddy left no plans written or expressed. I like to think he was a proponent of Free Will and made this choice with intent. Yet, almost like Muhammed, he left his legacy to be determined by the will of the people, his family. My mom was left with the burden of deciding who got what and 2 years after my dad’s departure, she also left this world without prospect of grandchildren. From that period of time there were many lessons to be learned, with one being most singular.

The lesson was God knew. My faith grew during that time. I met my husband. I was able to get pregnant not once, but twice with the second being my beautiful child. I found a place of security, stability, and love despite the baggage I carried. I learned to not only have faith but to keep it. And be grateful for all things, even the pain.

I also learned an important lesson about inheritance. Inheritance is not necessarily wealth or assets or money. Inheritance is mindset.

You may have heard the saying, “It takes one generation to build wealth, the second generation to use it, and the third generation to lose it.” A good man does not want their children to have an easy life. This simple concept is outlined by Lao Tzu’s quote “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime”  A good man wants his children to have a life of growth and the children’s children will benefit from that growth. Money and wealth are only small pieces of what inheritance is. By layering this concept on the principles of entrepreneurship and self-agency the inheritance paradigm shifts completely.

So, this cascade of thought has led me to realize I need to include a certain someone in this business planning. She has already developed a logo for the farm venture. She has ideas for her jewelry and crafts venture. I have ideas on incorporating and promoting her products.

Now…let’s get fishing.

Borne in Bias

by Miss Nomi

My work colleagues inadvertently helped me realize something big about myself.

I can be sternly professional. Pleasantly stern, most of the time, which in business and healthcare environments is well received. Other environments, not so much.

After reading Mistakes Were Made But Not by Me by Caroll Tavris and Eliot Aronson, I began to better understand my own personal bias, how that colors my decision making, and how that spills over into my relationships. Personal, work, community, friendships, etc…

I am a mom to a special kiddo. Shortly after she was born, we were out of the gate with a rush, much like every new first time parent is. Our normal was to be different though, as you know if you have read some of the prior posts.

This set us up for a completely different mindset. Every new parent has experienced what I term “how to carry your donkey”, which is a reference to Aesop’s fable of The Man The Boy and the Donkey. And when you are a parent of a special kiddo, there are sometimes hundreds of folks trying to tell you how to raise your baby. Sometimes that help is welcome, sometimes it is not. Sometimes you are praised for your efforts, sometimes you are judged.

Over time, a parent of a special kiddo develops a kind of shield to guard themselves from experiences, anticipated and/or real. The shield is normally the first gathering of armor for defense against the slings and arrows of others’ stinging critiques. Others of us may go in a different direction.

There could be a whole other post about the phases of grief acceptance and how that affects us, but the point here is that being a parent of a special kiddo does affect us. It influences everything we do, everywhere we go. We are born in bias. Sometimes we are prickly, defensive, stern. Sometimes we are overwhelmed, confused, disheartened. But the one thing we always are: Protective of our baby.

For me, that sense of protection has grown into a desire to shield other kiddos like mine. And that has added another layer of defensiveness, which is what my work colleagues had noticed, when I had not. I then realized this aspect of my bias, and the need to temper my reactions. Much like Athena, I need wisdom first; the shield and sword are secondary.

My wish for you, moms and dads: May you find your wisdom as you carry your shield. Have temperance. Have faith.

 

“Balancing Perfectionism with Productivity”

by Miss Nomi

Don’t let this title fool you, I have not found the way of balance. This line just happened to jump off the page and smack me across my face as I was reading an article in Cowboys and Indians about famed artist Morgan Weistling.

See, I had just gotten up from my beading table which has box upon box and strand upon strand of beautiful sparkling potential. Each bead is perfect, minute, and fascinating in it’s own way. And I will spend time at my table trying to hear their unique story; trying to find their quintessential pairing partners to fashion the most exquisite piece.  First, I tried to organize them. Maybe if I put them in order I could have clarity. When that yielded no results, I put strands of different kinds next to each other to see if that spoke to me. No luck. Finally, I thought I could make a simple pair of earrings. I inserted the silver post into the bead, bent it to form a loop…but it wasn’t perfect. So I quit to turn my attention to my latest magazine to find inspiration.

The one little musing of an artist’s struggle to balance perfectionism with productivity hit me on such a deep level.

How many things have I started, yet not finished, because it wasn’t perfect.

How often do we all do this in our own lives in one form or fashion?

As a parent, there is so much that isn’t perfect. The grace is to find perfection in the imperfect which builds to productivity.

May we all find that balance and grace.

Check out Mark Bedor’s article in the May/June 2020 Cowboys and Indians magazine…the art work is amazing.

Czech_Beads_450x

Leadership

by Miss Nomi

Do you consider yourself a leader?

I remember asking my team of nurses that question on day during team building and was surprised by their response of, “No.”

“Really?!” My mind swirled around all the ways they were leaders, each in their own unique and individual way. I thought to myself, “Why don’t they see it about themselves?” Then that got my mind spinning around what being a leader means.

What is a leader?

If you’re a parent, you are a leader. If you are a member of a family, in your own way, you are a leader. If you live in a community, you are a leader. For me personally, I am the leader in my neighborhood by being the first to have backyard, suburban goats. The neighbor down the road, a leader in suburban chickens.

Being a leader isn’t always the General George S. Patton or Rosa Parks of the world. Being a leader is sometimes as simple as just being that person that has a mission, like tackling the laundry, and following through. Being a leader is one who offers kindness, when others do not. Another thing to keep in mind: there is no cookie-cutter style to leadership. We all have beautiful and unique ways of expressing leadership style that can be enhanced based on evaluation of effectiveness, and that is where the real masterpiece comes through.

Evaluate your normal. Is your normal to not view yourself as a leader, even though you are? Is your normal to avoid the tough things? Take time to explore some of these questions and you will find you are doing one of the most positive things a leader can do…Evaluating your own effectiveness.

Embrace the leader within yourself, and see the transformative power you hold.

Momma Bear

by Miss Nomi

5d72c544307d3b427c1125c73f05d576

 

If there is only one thing women with children can agree on, it’s that there are either good mammas or bad mammas. And heavens know that in reality, every other momma is not half as good a momma as you are. And if that momma does seem like she has it all together all the time, well, as the joke goes, “How nice.” (No, I have not been to charm school.)

Just about every momma can be a momma bear.

Sometimes, a momma is a bear for the wrong reasons though.

So, I came up with a chart of when to be a momma bear and times to NOT be a momma bear.

 

Bear YES

Bear NO

Someone intentionally hurts your cub

You assume that an injury was intentional without knowing the facts

You request pertinent information from your child’s teacher and they directly refuse to give it to you

You get the feeling the teachers are out to get your kid but you have no proof, except for the way that teacher looks at you when you pick up your baby

Your child is not allowed on a community sports team

Your sweet baby, whom you know to be the most talented on the team, does not get to play every moment of the game.

Your school system is in direct violation of Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act of 1973 requiring a school district to provide a “free appropriate public education”

Your baby has a wobbly chair at school

Somebody says your baby is ugly

Oh NO she didn’t!

 Recently, I stuck my big ole boot in my mouth because, well, I said somebody’s baby was, well, not ugly per se, but I did say that in the recent past, the baby had not behaved in a pretty way. (I’m talking metaphorically, not literally. Every baby is beautiful, even when they aren’t behaving pretty)

Nobody wants to hear they have an ugly baby.

Yet, sometimes, constructive feedback is necessary. Sometimes, a momma has to be a bear, not just for her cub, but for other cubs that may be in similar circumstances. If the feedback is delivered in a bearish fashion though, people don’t tend to hear your words, they just see your fangs.

In your journey, there will be times to be a bear, to be your child’s advocate. There will also be times where being a bear is not a good thing. I’d like to say there is a golden standard by which distinction can be made as to when to be a bear and when not to be. But, if there is, I don’t know it. There are pros and cons for both. Sometimes your bearish behavior is the one thing that gets a point across. Sometimes your point gets lost in the roar.

Personally, I get very bearish when I believe there to be injustice, inequality, partiality, laziness, carelessness, and closed-mindedness. I feel strongly in fighting a system that doesn’t give each child or parent the tools to find and open the most opportunity. I feel strongly that sometimes it is a good thing to toss the money tables like Jesus did in Matthew 21:12. Or like in chemistry, a catalyst is necessary to promote otherwise inert substances to react in exciting super nerdy chemical ways.

People may hate your bearish ways, just keep in mind the end goal; whether it is to ensure your cub has the most optimal path, or to ensure other cubs and bears can find their most optimal path.

And let your inner bear out every once in a while…bears don’t like being cooped up. 

 

“The Section 504 regulations require a school district to provide a “free appropriate public education” (FAPE) to each qualified student with a disability who is in the school district’s jurisdiction, regardless of the nature or severity of the disability. Under Section 504, FAPE consists of the provision of regular or special education and related aids and services designed to meet the student’s individual educational needs as adequately as the needs of nondisabled students are met.” http://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/504faq.html

And now for something completely different…Lasagna

by Miss Nomi

No big thinkin’ today y’all. Just a recipe. And it’s easy.

Alfredo Lasagna

2 Jars of Ragu Alfredo Sauce or whatever brand you like, or even homemade…maybe I’ll post that one later

1 pound Italian sausage

16 ounces Ricotta cheese

2 pounds shredded mozzarella cheese

8 lasagna noodles

Crushed red pepper

Parmesan cheese

Pre-heat oven to 375 degrees. First cook up your sausage and while you’re doing that, boil your lasagna noodles too. When the sausage is cooked, mix in the alfredo sauce. Go get your pyrex baking dish, the big one, I think it’s 9×13. Put you down a layer of sauce with the sausage in it and some of the mozzarella cheese. Then put down a layer of noodles. On top of the noodles put another layer of sauce, the ricotta cheese, sprinkle in the crushed red pepper, then more mozzarella. Put you on the last layer of noodles, sauce, mozzarella, parmesan. The pyrex dish should look like it is so full it will bubble over, so you might want to put something under your dish to catch any spill-over. Lawd knows how I hate to clean my oven.

Cook for 30-40 minutes or until top cheese is nice and bubbly and slightly brown. Yum.

Great Expectations

by Miss Nomi

Not long after my little one’s diagnosis, I was at a gathering with a group of friends. One of the women there was a friend of a friend that I had not met before. She had a child with a ‘disability’ (sorry, I do not like that word) and was going through a divorce. We chatted for a bit, she asked about how things were going with my little one, and then she told me a statistic.

She said, “Did you know that around 80% of marriages where a child has a disability end in divorce?”

I politely said, “Wow”.

But in my mind there were several thoughts and reactions. First, I thought, “Well, isn’t that a bright and cheery statistic.” Secondly, I got fighting mad.

Divorce doesn’t ‘just happen’ and if the kid didn’t have enough to deal with, now they come from a broken home. Then I wondered what kind of stress does one parent put on the other; does parent #1 become resentful when parent #2 doesn’t do what parent #1 thinks parent #2 should do? All the while parent #2 is in a different stage of acceptance or understanding and has no idea why parent #1 is angry with them because they had no idea what parent #1 wanted in the first place. Whew!

Do you have expectations? Everyone does. Do you expect others to fulfill those expectations?

We all do that too. The problem comes when an individual gets resentful, angry, bitter, jaded. In last week’s article, I compare parents of children with differences to that of a team of Marines. Parents constantly fight the world from stealing their family’s happiness. Expectations can rob you of your happiness. Expectations can shift your focus away from your child, who matters, to a dirty bathroom, that doesn’t matter.

All that matters in this world is a kid’s wellbeing.

In truth, we control our expectations. We just have to be on guard from allowing our expectations to control us and rob us of happiness.

Overcome

by Miss Nomi

 

You may have noticed my first blog titles have had a pattern. Improvise. Adapt. And now, Overcome. This is the unofficial moto of the Marine Corps. What do you and a Marine in the field have in common? You, me, our kiddos… we are always in battle. Our battle is fear. Our battle is saving our family’s happiness. Our battle is overcoming ignorance. Our battle is ourselves. Our battle is life. Our battle is confusing, overwhelming, frustrating, and scary.

Our battle is for the welfare of our precious child.

What does the Marine in combat not have in common with you? He/She has a team. Most of us parents don’t have the support that comes with a unified force.

When our little ones came into our lives, hearing loss probably was not even on the radar of concerns. Worries of diapers, feedings, wipes, and daycare typically dominate the thoughts of most new parents-to-be. Being a new parent is like a battle in itself. Yet, when we then are ambushed with the diagnosis, we are attacked with fear and misconception. We are assailed with grief. We are bombarded with professional recommendations, family advice, our own and others ignorance, and short timelines. 

And it is our job to handle all this, without giving up, without letting our happiness get stolen, without our baby suffering.

How do you do this?

Well, each of us has a different journey but here are a few guiding principles:

  1. Fortify your mind – Gather all the information you can. Become knowledgeable. Prepare yourself.
  2. Command central – Your leadership is the most important in this mission. Are you and your spouse/partner on the same page? Is one afraid to tell the other what they think, fear, want? Does one have unreasonable and unvoiced expectations of the other?
  3. Unify – Keep your family included. Tell them your new knowledge. Your army has to know the mission, not all the details mind you, but enough to carry out the mission. You will find that the more comfortable you are with your knowledge and decisions, the less people interfere and the less others helpfulness tends to be irksome.
  4. What is the mission? To be strong for your child. To maintain and/or improve your family’s wellbeing. Always keep the mission in sight. Always make it a priority. Always fight for your family’s happiness.
  5. Look for reinforcements – find local groups. And those groups can be difficult to find, but look for them. Start with figures you may be familiar with, such as Marlee Matlin. Learn about her life, her struggles, her amazing successes, the charities she supports. Or Derrick Coleman. Or Beethoven. Or Bill Clinton (hard of hearing). Find groups like Hands and Voices, or use this list I found from Gallaudet. When you are comfortable, become a member, become active, become involved.   

Does this sometimes mean that you are bearing a heavy load? Yes.

Does this sometimes mean that you must make decisions you want to avoid? Yes.

Does this mean you get to sit and feel sorry for yourself? No.

You Improvise. You Adapt. You Overcome.

Because in the end, the greatest of these is Love.

Adapt

by Miss Nomi

adapt

I’m gonna tell you a secret….shhhh…..

For my first 8 years of life, I lived in a 3 room house with no running water. Heat and air was a fireplace and a fan. The bathroom was an outhouse.

And….I LOVED it! The happiest memories of my life are laughing and playing outside and running inside for a nice drink of cool water from the water bucket, or falling asleep in my little blue chair in front of the fan, or having baths in a galvanized tub, or sitting in front of the fireplace at Christmas feeling so cozy and loved.

It wasn’t until 1st grade that I discovered not every kid had it as good as me. They had inside bathrooms, and water that came out of a faucet, and, the worst, air-conditioning!

Yes, I did know how to use regular facilities. We did have to leave the holler from time to time. Like the time my Mom, brother, and I rode a greyhound bus all the way to New York City to see my grandma. I still cannot fathom how my Mom travelled like that with a 4 year old and an 11 year old. I can honestly say I am not courageous enough to EVER try that.

For some reason growing up, I never felt like I had missed out on anything. When I’d go to a friend’s house for a sleepover, I was never envious of their finished house with carpet, central heat and air, and running water. Their homes were just different, some nicer than others, but different. I adapted to my surroundings.

Adaptation is the fine art of adjusting to new conditions. And it truly is a fine art that later can be honed as a powerful skill. One thing I figured out right after I had my little ray of sun shine, is that kids are the absolute best at adapting. I remember just pondering how it was that kids were so expert at adaptation while for adults it can take a while. (I still do not know how to use a Mac Book, I’m all Windows) Then it hit me while I was playing outside with my little love; kids don’t know any more than what they have experienced!

This is a big concept, really. It seems so simple; it’s easy to overlook the true depth of this realization.

My little one was not born knowing that she could not hear.  I’ll repeat that.

My little one did not know that she could not hear.

Another HUGE realization: Our child didn’t have to adapt to our world, We had to adapt to hers.

She didn’t have the disadvantage. I did. Beyond cuddles, smiles, cries, and facial expressions, we couldn’t speak the same language. And I, being the adult with the ability to surf the web, had the responsibility to learn a language we could both understand. I had to adapt.

A person should not mourn what they never knew and they did not have.

My child was my second pregnancy but first baby. I did not know a life with a hearing child. Sometimes my husband and I are so thankful that she has prompted us to learn a new language, especially in loud situations or when our proper English turns a bit more like drunken sailors’.

Our expectations? We had none. We had hope. We had love. We had the ability to adjust to new circumstances. We believed our child was not ‘broken’ and she did not need ‘fixing’.

Just as when I was a child, I couldn’t mourn the fact we lived in a 3 room shack. I never knew an alternate until I was older, that my ‘normal’ was different from others. And I never learned shame because my parents did not teach it to me.

Later, I will write more about expectation and about embarrassment. But I will note that kids are not born with expectation, nor are they born with embarrassment.

Improvise

by Miss Nomi

When I was a kid, I was the queen of ‘make-do’. If I couldn’t find a hammer, I’d use the heel of a shoe to drive in a nail. If I had no access to a drill, which in hindsight was probably a good thing, I’d use a screw and screwdriver to predrill a hole. If I couldn’t find curtains, I’d make curtains out of old fabric. No curtain rods? Well, push pins worked great. I remember playing baseball with my older brother using a 2×4 as a bat and blocks of scrapwood as baseballs. I also remember pegging him square in the forehead with a scrapwood block, which I thought was hilariously funny, but for some reason brought about the end of block baseball.
An ingenuitive kid WILL find a way to ‘make-do’. History, fiction, and literature are filled with some of the most entertaining stories of kids finding some way to make what they need. Instead of stopping their plans because they don’t have just the right tool, they find a way.
They improvise.
Kids naturally do this. Not every child to the same degree, but in some form, some way, all kids do it. My daughter does not have access to a real kitchen, with utility tools, oven, sink, microwave, etc. but she will pretend that all of those things are at her disposal when she is making a special imaginary creation from her pretend kitchen.
Kids don’t stop improvising unless their ideas are constantly hindered. Kids don’t give up, unless they are taught to give up.
A child doesn’t know that something is ‘wrong’ with them until someone they respect tells them that something is wrong with them.
A deaf or hard of hearing child has no idea what they don’t hear. And that is fine. They improvise. They compensate. They are little four year olds who look at a sunset and say, “That is pretty,” in sign language. They are the little 5 month old babies who see a happy smiling adult and give the biggest sweetest grin back. They are the kids who watch body language closely and can usually sense what hearing peers cannot.
Which means, parents, they watch you closely as well. Do you improvise? Do you ‘make-do’ until you can either find the right tool or finish the job? Are you one of the parents that refuse to give up no matter what obstacle is put in your path?
Learn from your kiddo, improvise.